


A Golden Opportunity

by TheArchimage



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21621127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheArchimage/pseuds/TheArchimage
Summary: Taako travels with Merle to a far-off country to tie up a last lingering loose end.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	A Golden Opportunity

**Author's Note:**

> I know the country and capital in this story don’t exist in actual D&D Faerun; I’m putting as much research and care into Realmslore as the TAZ crew does, ie none at all. Don’t @ me.

A drab gray sky marked their arrival in Bullhelm, capital city of Malken. It was a small country on the southern tip of the continent, usually safe from outside interference by mountains to the north and swamps to the west. The country accepted few visitors and allowed even fewer to ever leave. The reports from the few escapees were harrowing; high taxes, ruthlessly violent enforcers, the rise of a new dictator who ruled with an iron fist. Not exactly the place Taako ordinarily would have chosen to consider for a new branch of Taako’s Amazing School of Magic, but there were a few personal considerations to make. So he had traveled to the outskirts and hired a carriage to take him to the capital to discuss the wonderful business opportunities he and the new dictator could work out. The only person accompanying him on this trip was Merle Highchurch, his old friend, traveling companion, and fellow Starblaster refugee.

Their carriage rolled down the main street, and the whole way they were regaled with waves and cheers. Ticker tape and confetti rained down along their path as the people welcomed the arrival of one of the saviors of the world. Taako returned the waves and blew kisses at the people as he passed. He said to Merle, “Rem said this country’s dying on the vine, but people here look rich and happy.”

“False fronts,” Merle explained, doing his level best to stay away from the windows. “They’re taking us through a corridor that looks nice, but all the people smiling and waving are actors. The real people are several blocks in each direction. They live in squalor; no money, little food, collapsing houses. Empty-looking people and crying babies, the whole shebang. Guess the ‘dictator’ didn’t get the memo about living in a new, peaceful age of cooperation.”

Taako hummed as though he expected nothing better. “That explains why our friend took the bait of investment so greedily. How’d you learn all this?” Merle grinned broadly and Taako hastily added, “Never mind, I think I can guess. So you’re sure?”

Merle nodded. “Very sure. Set up a couple field trips around here for my little adventurer kids and they got all the dirt I needed. Nothing too dangerous, of course. Or violent. I never had them enter the capital itself. I suppose I could have brought them along today, but it wouldn’t feel right, bringing trainees on a trip like this to a place like this.” He squirmed in his seat. “I’d still feel a lot better if Magnus were here. Going without him feels… wrong. And a lot more dangerous.”

“That’d involve a lot of questions I don’t feel like answering. When all this is over I think he’ll be glad we left him out of this one.” Truthfully, he wished Magnus could be here too. Like Merle said, it was a crime that he could not be here. But the injustice could not be reversed by any power Taako knew, and he knew a lot.

The carriage pulled up to the great grand archway of the palace. It was made of finely polished white marble and inlaid with gold, an ostentatious display Taako could not help but appreciate. Underneath it the stone steps led up to a wide plateau. The path to the palace was lined with trees, the leaves swaying in the slight breeze. The palace proper was ornately designed and stretched several stories into the air, topped with a golden dome to be visible from almost anywhere in the city. Taako whistled as the carriage door opened and guards in black armor saluted. “You remember the plan?” Taako whispered.

“Sure do. _Sanctuary_.” It was a spell that would keep anyone from attacking him until Taako made an attack himself. Taako felt more confident with Merle’s magic protecting him from harm. It still did not prevent him from feeling nervous; if any part of this went wrong… well, it would not. Everything was going to be fine, he was very sure of this. Merle patted him on the shoulder, “Hey, you got this. Since when has Taako ever screwed anything up? You always come up with something in the clutch.”

“Yeah, which is why having an actual plan is bothering me so much,” Taako admitted. “Usually we just kind of bumble through and then a competent woman comes in and saves our asses.”

“Would it have helped if I wore a dress?” Merle teased.

“No, _no!_ God no, don’t put images like that in my head!” Taako hastily exited the carriage, leaving Merle to turn the thing around.

He entered the palace and casually strolled through the decor which was clearly intended to impress visitors. Fine silk carpets covered the floors, oil paintings were hung on every inch of available wall space, and fine chandeliers glistened on the ceiling. The path led to an ornately carved and gilded throne, on which sat an even more ostentatious man. “Ah,” the dictator said, coming down from his throne to meet Taako in person. “From the host of a cooking show to the savior of the world and worldwide media sensation! You certainly have made quite the name for yourself, Taako from TV. The people of Malken, and I personally, am honored to welcome you.”

“I’ll say you’ve moved up in the world too,” Taako said as he clasped the man’s hand. “Pretty fancy digs you got here. Not bad at all for someone who started as a mere governor, Kalen.”

Dictator Kalen frowned at the tone of Taako’s voice. “Are… are you making fun of me?” He tried to pull away from Taako’s handshake but found he could not.

Taako looked back at Kalen with a smile, but it was one without mirth or pity. He fingered the KrEbStAr hanging from his neck with his other hand. “This is for Julia.”

At point blank range while literally holding onto his target there was no way for Disintegrate to miss. Former-Governor Kalen did not even have time to scream before his skin broke apart in a fearful red light for a fraction of a second before he blew away, everything he had and everything he was turned to dust.

The guards swore and pulled their weapons. As they advanced on him with swords raised, Taako taunted, “You can’t catch me, fellas. I’m in the finale, I don’t die!” With a single word he stepped through a crack in reality, his Dimension Door spell depositing him safely outside the palace just as metal bars slammed behind him in a futile attempt to prevent his escape. He ran for the carriage and instructed the driver, “Break’s over, time to move! Get us the fuck out of here!” He pulled open the door and dived in just as the driver whipped his horses into moving.

Merle patted Taako on the back. “Well that was pretty fast, heh heh. Not a scratch on you, too!”

Taako straightened himself into a sitting position on the seat opposite Merle. “Maybe I would have let myself get beat up a little if I knew there was a cleric standing by that could patch my wounds.”

“Oh, ha ha. Don’t worry, I cast a little spell to cover our escape. By the time they’ve finished dealing with it there’ll be no chance they can catch up to us.”

Taako looked out the window to see the metal gates of the palace starting to open. “Ah, that’s good, a good idea. So you, what, summoned an angel to fight the guards, keep them busy for us?”

“Oh. That probably would have been better. Less collateral damage.”

Taako turned his head slowly toward the dwarf. “What. Spell. Did you cast?”

The ground bucked and rumbled. For a moment it sounded like a massive stampede had erupted all around them. The domed roof of the palace buckled and collapsed, and three of the grand towers crumbled. The gate shook loose and fell inward, but no one was able to make it through the opening before the entrance crumbled. The grand archway Taako had proudly walked through not ten minutes earlier snapped and fell into rubble. As swiftly as it came the tremors subsided. Clouds of dust billowed out into the air, and the last thing Taako saw before the sand blocked his view entirely was the ruins of the palace, unmoving.

Taako rolled his eyes and faced his companion once more. “Earthquake, huh? Pretty neat. Question, is that even on your spell list? Widespread destruction, natural catastrophe, it sure doesn’t sound like a cleric-y spell.”

Merle, indignant, protested, “Of course it is! Look, I wrote it down on my cards here, it’s a cleric spell-”

Taako took the card and peered at it with a critical eye. “Says here it’s an eighth level spell my man. Do you even have eighth level spell slots?”

“Of course I do! I’m, what, level… well, I know I’m above level 8, so-”

“We’ve been doing this for literal years, how are you still so bad at spellcasting?!”

“What do you mean, ‘bad’? It worked, didn’t it!”

They continued to bicker as their wagon careened down the path. They were halfway out of the city by the time the aftershocks began to hit, knocking over the last remaining tower and tearing fissures open in the courtyard. The actors from their lovely houses peered out their windows, wondering what that noise at the palace was and why the city’s guests were leaving so soon. They would soon find out what happened, but by that time Taako and Merle would be long gone.

* * *

A day later Taako was back in the headmaster’s office of Taako’s Amazing School of Magic. He had parted ways with Merle a couple hours before, as once word got around Taako would attract a lot of attention of the worst kind. True, saving the universe that one time would earn him the benefit of the doubt, but he still needed to act fast. He grabbed a few spare robes, some notes, a spare spellbook, and a few of his more select herbs and spices and put them in a leather trunk. He absolutely did not have regrets. Governor Kalen was bad, stayed bad, and only got worse over time. But it was still a major scandal for Taako to assassinate a potential host of a new branch of the school. Over the next few weeks Taako knew his helpful staff would have to be putting out a lot of fires; providing press releases, sending apologies both sincere and not, convincing sponsors and students not to jump ship, etcetera. Merle was helping on that front, making sure stories of Kalen’s recent and ancient past circulated among the general public. The best thing Taako could do for now was stay thoroughly out of it. Go to ground, hide out, let everything blow over. Once the people knew what Kalen had done and was continuing even now to do, public opinion would turn back around. The Taako brand would be hurt, especially in the short term, but it would recover.

At least, it would recover for every Taako fan except one.

“So,” Magnus said, leaning against the doorframe and giving Taako a start. “Decided to have a little fun without me, eh? At least now I know what kind of trouble you’ll get into if I let you out of my sight.”

Taako winced and shut the trunk. He was really hoping to be out of here before Magnus caught up with him. There was no way this conversation was going to go well. “You know how it is,” he said, forcing a smile to his face. “We only kill bad guys, even if we don’t know they’re bad at the time we kill them.”

“That is generally how it goes,” Magnus agreed. “But usually that’s because the bad guys try to kill us first. It’s weird to see you get so proactive. So what was it about this one? What made you decide to just, murder a dude in front of all his bodyguards?”

“He was a bad guy, we’re good guys or at least I’ve played one on TV, do I need more of a reason? You’re a do-gooder, you would’ve done the same, why can’t you leave it at that?”

Magnus pushed himself into the room and directly into Taako’s personal space. “I dunno, maybe because as long as I’ve known you, which I shouldn’t need to remind you is a _very_ long time, you’ve never been a do-gooder. The ‘right thing to do’ has always been what benefits you and the very few people you trust. You always have an angle, Taako, always. And after everything we’ve been through together I think I deserve to know what that angle is.”

Taako looked Magnus dead in the eye. “I killed him because he destroyed your hometown, killed your wife, and you made me promise to do it.”

Magnus got a glassy look in his eye for a second. He stared into the middle distance, as though he were brought someplace else. He shook himself out of his daze and said, “Look, if you don’t want to tell me, you can try giving me a hint. You good at charades? Or maybe you can just beam the knowledge into my brain? I’m pretty sure there’s some spell that lets you do that, you have a spell for everything else.”

Taako sighed and lifted his trunk with a Tenser’s Floating Disc. It was not as though he was expecting a thank you or anything. Magnus literally could not know the quest he gave up and left his friends to handle. He knew Magnus would never understand what Taako had done for him. He had known that from the beginning. But still, it hurt to do something nice for someone and not get appreciated. “Well, I’m gonna hide out for a while. If you need me, I dunno, call Ango, knowing him he’ll probably find me in not too long.” He walked past Magnus with his trunk following close behind.

Magnus called out after him, “What, you don’t feel like burning a spell slot for the guy who’s saved your life more than almost anyone on this planet?”

“I’ve saved your life plenty of times, too. If you really want to pull out the ledger and figure out who owes who, you can do it yourself because I don’t give a fuck.” He walked out the door, but leaned back in on the doorframe to rejoinder, “But be sure to factor in all the interest for how much use you’ve gotten out of _my_ sword!” He waved one last time and was gone.


End file.
